I cried so much last night...

Thank you Eve for this forum…
I went to bed last night and logged on with my phone - just to catch the last few posts of the day. When I read Makayla's Why me... I burst into tears. I cried for her, I cried for my son, I cried for all of us who are trying so desperately to fullfill our deepest desires.

So if its okay - Id like to share my "Why me? moment...

As you all know my pregnancy was terminated at 19 weeks. I went for a routine scan at 18weeks, and my doc decided to do am amnio - something didnt look right to him. The week waiting for the test results - were the worst days of my life. I cried, I prayed – I begged the Lord to make sure my son was ok.
The following Tuesday – I got the dreaded call – Gynae wants to see me immediately. I left work, didn’t tidy up my office, didn’t lock anything away. Just got in my car and drove the 50km to his office. I waited for about 20 minutes and was finally called into his office. As I sat across his vast desk from him, I could see that this was not going to be good news. He says to me… “Your baby will not live more than 2 days after birth” My heart. My mind, my body freezes. I have gone deaf and dumb, I cant hear anything, the blood is pumping in my ears. I catch words… trisomy… not viable pregnancy… terminating… today still… “WHAT?” – Im screaming inside my head – “What the F#$@ are you talking about?” But I sit in dead silence…. “Are you F*&^% insane, my sons heart beats at 147 beats a minute. I feel him moving at night. He doesn’t like me to drink coffee, but he loves Smash mixed with bananas!!” My thoughts are yelling, but my entire body is like a statue.
He ushers me out the office, I get in my car – I drive 20km home. I pack my pajamas. I sms my family. I have just moved to Nelspruit, I have no friends here, my family is 1800km away. I drive back to the hospital, and get put into a private room. I wait.
Nurses are in and out of my room, no one is sure why I am here. Its apparently a moral issues, so staff are not given the full truth till the doc arrives. Some think Ive had a MC already, some think Im having an abortion at 4 weeks… Im confused, Im in shock.. I just lie there while they prod and poke me.. “I don’t understand!!!” I want to scream at them!!!
My Gynae arrives after 17h00. “Im going to induce your labour, there will be a bit of cramping and you will pass the fetus during the night”. Im asking him over and over and over again “Are you sure? Are you a 100%? Are you really really really sure this is the right thing to do? And everytime it’s a yes. He puts on his rubber gloves and sticks pills deep inside me…. Im hoping my fanny grows teeth and bites him, I want his fingers to fall off.
He comes to see me the next morning, Im high on whatever they keep injecting into my drip, and Im floating around the room. The “fetus” hasn’t passed… What are you on about Doc… its not a bloody fetus! Its my son, my baby, the love of my life! So more pills! This continues for 3 days. Is my son dead already? Is he suffering? Is he in pain? I cant feel him moving anymore? What have you done to me????
Friday morning 25 Jan 2008, I wake up at 3am with the most horrific pain I could ever imagine! I am crying like a baby, I can lie down, my fists are clenched and I am howling enough to wake the entire ward. They give me phethadine… not helping. Its excrutiating, Im sure Im dying. They take off my pajamas, and put a bedpan under me, and there they leave me all alone. At 07h12 my son bursts from my body into the bedpan. Im all alone, just me lying in a pool of amnio fluid and blood, with my poor dead baby boy in a bedpan between my legs. I call the nurse. They phone the doctor. No one has ever seen this before, so there is a string of nurses in and out my room all staring between my legs. Halloo!!! Im also here, can someone at least look at me too, ask if Im ok. Just hold my hand for a second… but no – lets rather stare!
I lie there for nearly an hour before good old doc gets there. He pushed and prods and sticks his fist in my tummy to try get the placenta out. It wont budge, so finally he cuts the umbilical cord. They cover the bed pan and take my baby from me. They make me get up so they can clean the bed. Im sent to shower alone, my legs are trembling, my back is aching and the blood is pouring out of me like it will never stop. I get moved to theatre for the D&C, and taken back to my room to sleep. At 2pm they bring me the forms to sign to take him to the incinerator. So you telling me my child has been laying in the bedpan from 08h00 till 14h00, how unbelievably disrespectful!!!
I get sent home the next day – with pills from the hospital, and pills from the chemist. All in all I have 5 boxes. “Doc – Im a single woman, going home to an empty house, completely alone, which you know! And you are sending me home with all this medication” I drive myself home, to my empty flat and get into bed. I don’t move for 10days. Just get up to get water to take my pills. Im completely dead inside, nothing matters anymore. Im supposed to see Doc on Wednesday – but I cant get myself out of bed to go see him. He doesn’t even realize I haven’t been back. Just because it’s the first time he has had such a case in his career – doesn’t mean that I might cross his mind during the next few days.
I have to get up the following Monday –I have to get back to work. I only then notice that I have in fact been taking double doses of all the medication, because they had given doubles of everything with instructions to take all of them.

Well to end of my very long winded story – the only time I heard from my Gynae – was when his account dept called cause I had not settled the final R3000.00 that I owed them… Just tragic. I landed up writing him a long letter, which I never thought I would post, but a few weeks later I did. He called, I went to see him. But that was the last time I will ever go near him again. He treated me like a science project – and although its not his fault Joshua died, I will never ever forgive him for not showing me the slightest bit of compassion or caring.

I cry for Josh everyday, and I don’t understand why I had to loose my miracle baby. I speak to Joshua every night before I go to bed, and ask him to pick out the little soul that he wants as a brother or sister. Its his scan photo on my profile, and its just so that I remember him everyday!

I have forgiven God, and ask him everyday to bless me with my own little angel.

I survived because my desire to be a mommy is so huge, and I will have a baby to love as soon as God thinks the time is right.

Thanks for reading – sorry it was so long!

OH DEB, I'm so touched. This is so painful.
May the Almighty God heal you and bless you with another baby soon.

Hi Deb,

This is incredible SAD. I went through 4 miscarriages. But the hardest one was when I was 15weeks pregnant and my membranes raptured. It was a friday afternoon when I return from work. I had these cramps. It got worst and I went to lay down on the bed. When I tried to get up from the bed it felt like my waterbroke. I cried out to my husband who immediately took me to the emergency room at a close by hospital. The doctor on duty was GP he called the GYNAE on called and based on my symptoms over the phone it did not sound that serious to him. They sent me home because my gynae was not practicing at that hospital. The GP told me if I still feel the need I have to call my own gynae. I did and after he asked how many weeks I am he could not believe that my water has broken. He said to call him in the morning if there was any bleeding. There was and I called him. When he did a sonar he told me that my membranes was raptured and that my baby will most defianately have brain damage should this pregnancy continue. He admitted me to the hosipital. I had to lay still because they though the sac will fill with water again. In the middle of the week he did another sonar and their was NO heartbeat. Then he begin with he is going to put me on drips that will give me contractions and the fetus will be pass out. I did not KNOW what this all meant because I was so HURT because this was baby no.2 also DEAD. Luckily for me after 1 day the gynae decided to do a D@C cause my servics was not dialited. After that I've chnaged gynea's. My new gynae shows alot more emotion and he is more sensitive. I think others is just there for the MONEY.

Dear Deb

Your story gave me goosebumps. You went through so much all by yourself. I applaude you for being so strong to start this journey all over again!

I am so angry at your gynae! The way he treated you with lack of care. And yes, it is your son, not a foetus!!!! The disrespect the hopsital staff gave your son shocks me to the core! Leaving him in a bedpan for so long.

My heart aches for you Deb. I lost my baby at just under 6 weeks, and yes, even though it was still an embryo, it was my child.

Nothing can take that away from you. And when you have another baby, be sure to let him/her know that Joshua is watching them from heaven, and will always be with them wherever they go.

Shana, I am also sorry to hear you had to go through that. I am happy that you found a new doc that cares about you.

God Bless both of you!!

Deb&Shana, this must have been so painful, just reading about it brought tears cannot image how you must have felt.

Hope you remain strong and will be blessed with LO soon.

Heb13v5: Never will I leave you: never will I forsake you.

Trust that you will be surrounded by Him.

O Boy I don't have words I think this is the most terriblr thing that can happen what happen to you Deb.

Every MC is terrible but I agree it is not a Foetus it is your baby no matter how far you are.

May God be with you and soon give you another healthy one.

OMG you are an amazing women to survive this all on your own. I'm in tears hear. May God bless you with a little one soon.

Your stories are so sad! I can't believe that there are people like that out there - how can you be so emotionless!

I take my hat off to all of you for being so strong. Reading your stories brought tears to my eyes.

I will keep you's in my prayers and I know our God will bless you all again.

Thank you for all the kind words and support you guys. Its so amazing to finally have friends that understand the loss one feels.

I think it doesnt matter if you are 6 weeks or 19 weeks - the pain is just as severe. Everyones pain is unique to them - and hurts to the very core of their being.

But it helps when someone understand the desire for a child, and understands the agony of a loss.

Ive said it before - I strongly believe that God would never have installed in us such a strong desire to be mothers - if he wasnt planning on blessing us. He is a God of Love afterall!

All in HIS time I guess...

Thanks Deb for being so brave as to share your painful story. I am so sorry about your baby Josh (what a nice name)...
just remember one thing, you are still a mummy. no one can take that away from you. I lost my baby boy, Landon, this year, at 27 weeks. So i understand the pain. Please feel free to send me a message if you ever need to talk.

sending you hugs.