Contact from Birthmom - what do I do?

Hi Everyone!

As most of you know, we have had contact with Sam's birthmom right from after she had chosen us as birthparents and we attended Sam's birth and we were VERY involved with the pregnancy etc., but at the end we all agreed on a closed adoption as everybody felt this would be in Sam's best interest.

As I've said before, Sam's birthmom is no threat to me at all and I don't regard her as such. I do however have a small little issue of late: She keeps on sending me text messages enquiring about Sam. Just to put you in the picture, I sent updates to the SW at 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 8 weeks and will again on Wednesday when he's 3 months old, so it's not like she doesn't know what he looks like or what's going on developmentally (and only SO much can be going on when you're 3 months old!!).

I am really not sure how to handle this? I don't want to make a biggie about it and get the SW involved and everybody upset, however, I feel that both her and I need to be able to make a clean break and move on. But I also don't want her to tell Sam one day that I didn't want to have contact with her implying that I was trying to 'keep her away' from him.

What would you do?

Thats difficult... Maybe speak to the SW and see if the birthmom still wants the updates, if she doesn't maybe ask the SW to give you something in writting and when Jaedin is old enough you can always show him the letter from the SW...

Sorry Hannah, I really don't have much advice... My aunt was forced to give her baby up for adoption and my dad said that my cousin when they met for the first time was under the impression that my aunt never wanted her, my dad took her for lunch and told her how much my aunt wanted her but was forced by my granparents to give her away... and that my aunt had to go to a mental hospital for 2 years to deal with it! It gave my cousin a lot of closure...

I think if you just keep the facts for Jaedin and give them to him when he is old enough to understand that he can make his own decisions about everything

Man oh man this is a toughie but in all honesty the BM made a choice and I think that she has to respect you and your life with Jaedin.

I do not think it is healthy for Jaedin to grow up confused about who is is mum. As far as I am concerned you are his family now and it will be way to difficult to have the BM in your life like that.

I think the best would be to speak to the SW as they are trained to deal with this stuff. She will advise you accordingly. You can explain to her that she must handle the situation diplomatically so as not to upset the BM too much but she also needs to realise she has to back off and know about Jaedin from the outside with updates through the SW. There is no way you can all play happy family without causing harm to him. It is too much for him to have to understand.

Thats really hard hey, I would also want to just make a clean break but without hurting anyones feelings. But u know either way someone will be hurt so maybe its better to do it now and not later??

Shees Hannah that is a tough one! Have just been sitting thinking how i would handle it and in all honesty the sw is probably the best and safest route. I understand that you don't want to upset the BM or make an issue out of it but maybe she needs to chat to the sw about her feelings and longings now before it gets any worse. They are trained to deal with this.

Love
Michele

Hi Hannah,

I agree with Michele 110%. The BM obviously needs more counselling at this stage to deal with her feelings. Hannah to me you are such a wise person and you will make the right decision on how to handle this situation

I have no advice Hannah - I do agree that the birth mom needs to be councelled though

Thanks girls. The thing is, the BM has been counselled and then some. We have already paid for FIFTEEN sessions (@ R410 a shot) for her with the SW. The BM isn't going to pay for the counselling and heaven knows, we can't pay anymore, it's just getting too much.

After reading all your comments I wrote an email to the SW at 3 pm explaining the situation to her and asking her whether I should phone the BM and speak to her (which I really don't want to do) or if she will speak to her on my behalf. I am waiting for her to get back to me.

Will keep you posted. Thanks for everything.

Love,

Hannah
xx

Shoo... I can imagine it to be a very difficult situation, but you did the right thing.

I am sure she will have a plan for what to do going forward...

I think you did the right thing. I never met the BM, by her choice, and I would find it difficult to be in touch with her, although I send updates and photos to the SW. I also think she needs to move on, it can't go on forever. she is not giving herself a chance to come to terms with things. Hope it works out fo everyone!

oh this is a toughie. but you are handling it in the right way. perhaps it is time the birth mom got less updates so that she can let go.

Hi everyone!!

Thank goodness, my very wise SW handled the situation and counselled the BM over the phone.

I will still send updates to the SW but she will only send them to the BM if she feels she's emotionally ready to handle them. The schedule that I have to send it according to the SW is:

4 months
6 months
9 months
1 year
18 months
2 years and then annually thereafter until he's 4 after which we can make the call how and when we want to update.

The way I feel now I don't mind to send updates annuallyafter Jaedin's 2 years old but maybe it's still early days?

Thanks so much for your support!

Love,

Hannah
x

Hi Hannah, so glad its sorted now

So glad it was handled correctly Hannah - shame I do feel sorry for the BM, but I hope the SW has hepled her