Introducing Reluctant Mom .... hiya!

Sorry Reluctant Mom, I referred to your partner as your husband. Same thing at the end of the day hey

I am not sure for us if it is something that we both desperately want. I want it - Kennith is a bit lukewarm, but he focusses on very concrete/tangible issues i.e. where will everyone sit, what if we can't afford it when the time comes, will he ever be let out of the house again to go and play poker with his friends.

The important stuff.

My problem is that this is starting to consume me - and I realise that maybe I need to run with the process, do all the paperwork, do everything that I can do, and then there will be a "cooling off period" until we can go on to the waiting list as our baby will need to be 18 months.

I am hoping that he will support me through the process, and go through the process with me just so I can go tick - done. I don't want to wait until we are both totally ready as that might be forever or it might never come.

I recall similiar discussions when we wanted to fall pregnant, but we made a plan, both had concerns, but then when it happened, we sort of just got on with it and adjusted our lives to what ever was presented.

I feel desperate to go through the process - then we can still make revised deicision while we wait between "agency approving us" and "going on the waiting list as our baby is not 18 months."

Do I sound as insane/OCD as I feel today? I really feel adrenaline pumped and totally obsessed.

Well that is what I am hoping.

I admire your passion to adopt a child especially when you have your own.

You definately on the right thought process. I think you will only know if its right when you run with the process, you will get a light bulb moment.

I'm a believer in if it happens then its meant to be ......

Hi RM!

Sorry I'm only responding now. I've got a brandnew baby boy that is keeping me VERY busy LOL

I really admire what you want to do and I want to encourage you today! There are MANY babies and little aids orphans out there who desperately need a family and you guys sound just right to me!!! Do not loose hope, go through the 'leg work' like you put it, get your ducks in a row and before you can say 'sleep deprivation' you'll have your little bundle in your arms.

I think you should give K a break!! Men don't adjust as easily to these things as us women do and with your LO still being very small he can probably not look beyond the dirty nappies and drool and spit up at the moment! Give him a break, he'll get around.

That said, it is imperative that you guys agree on all aspects of the adoption BEFORE the home visit/screening. No social worker is going to go ahead with an adoption if they feel the parents aren't in unison about adopting.

I have a few docs that I threw together whilst on our adoption journey. I will be more than happy to share them with you, just shout.

Good luck RM and enjoy your little ones!!

Warm regards,

Hi there reluctant mom.

I have adopted twice now. And neither cost that much!!!!!I couldnt have afforded that!!! Im on about day 58 of the 60 day wait for the bio mom to change her mind, but each has cost us about R3000 to R5000. That includes social worker visits, home inspections, papers to magistrates court etc etc. I was told if you do it privately through a lawyer, it can cost in the region of your figures, but was warned aginst this as apparently the courts prefer you to just go through the social worker. And dont appreciate an upper crust lawyer!!!

For the first adoption my hubby fell in love wit Cassidy the day we got her. And we got her about 2 and a half months before it was finalised. I was worried that if the bio parents changed their mind, my hubby might beat them up!!!

With the second adoption, he was less keen to bond with the child because of the bio moms presence and 60 day wait. It has taken him time to soften to Blake. He plays with him a lot more now but is still a little to hard on him for my liking sometimes!!! He believes boys are boys and need to be tough. But he is definately starting to look on him as his son. The house is hectic though as there are only 6 months between my two!!!

Gve your hubby time to absorb the idea fully, carry on with the process and when that little bundle arrives in your lives, he will fall in love!!!!!! xxx

Hi Stacy

Thanks for the note. Right now my partner is really keen to hold back on the process and wait ... not sure if "just wait" means he is waiting until he hopes I lose interest, or to wait until he warms to the idea. Though initially he was mildly warm to the idea, right now he is excessively cold to the idea of us adopting. I think when we try to go shopping or on an outing with three kids in tow, which is total chaos, he thinks "seriously you want to add a fourth to this?" - actually he really says that, and right at that point where I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown in what ever shopping centre we are in at the time, I can't actually pose a good argument against what he is saying!!!

Of course there is not much more for me to do, than to wait and broach the subject in a few months and see where his mindset lies at the moment. I am still very keen - though I am not blind to the realities of the difficulties of bringing another child into our rather overflowing situation where I already feel my resources are a bit stretched. I still am very emotional about the entire process (even though we are not evening at the starting block - we are still circling the parking lot right now).

I had a good old cry in my car this morning - I did not even watch the Carte Blanch report last night as I just felt it was just too traumatic for me, but I was listening to 567 Talk this morning, and it was enough to make me cry all the way while I drove from the Northern to the Southern Suburbs - well over 90 minutes, so it was a good old cry!! Must have looked great to the folks in the car next to me.

I wanted to pick up my cell phone and beg my partner to just give in to me and let us go ahead with the adoption process, to try to assist just one little child out there. I am also not certain of what my motivation would be to adopt - is it to give me something that I want, or is it to offer the love and much needed home to a child in need - I am really not sure.

So that is sort of where we are at the moment - but hope burns eternal. I cling to my rather thin hope that maybe after this year has closed and we have seen some of the things we need to see through this year, I can broach the subject again early next year and hope that maybe the response will be more positive.

You know when you want something so bad ... you literally cry inside .... so that is me today. Feel mildly better that I had a place and a time to say what is running around in my head.